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Blue Funk
Here it is noon on a holiday Monday and I just managed to get myself up and the coffee made. It's iced coffee because the weather is horrible (note that my idea of horrible is sunny and over 20°C). This is the kind of day that is only pleasant when you have nothing to do and can spend the day in cool water or underneath ten-storey tall trees. In lieu of that I am holed-up in my apartment with most of the curtains closed and fan on high, hating the world.
So anyway, my adventures at Skank...
I got there fairly early, about 9:30 or so, camera in hand, as usual. I got a drink and staked out the back corner booth. I just wanted to sit and sip my vodka tonic because I wasn't feeling so great, probably because of a combination of having been out in the sun earlier and my back being gimped. It was one of those moments where I just wanted to be alone around people, but people started coming up to me and I'm too damn polite to tell people to fuck off and leave me alone. Eventually Mike arrived and was welcome company. I guess it wasn't that I wanted to be completely alone, more that I was feeling selective about whose company I wanted.
Which brings me to my mood last night. I haven't felt my usual self the last few weeks. This sunshine and heat makes me sleepy and cranky. And when I am tired and cranky I have a habit of questioning my self-worth. This in turn makes me want to just curl up with someone who does give a shit about me and do quiet things like talk, watch a movie, read, or just sleep. But I don't have that now, and that in turn brings on bouts of nostalgia and loneliness which just drives me deeper down the same spiral. So, lonely, pathetic and desperate for human company it's off to the goth club I go.
But this is not exactly the wisest course of action because the goth club is haunted by ghosts of ex-girlfriends both good and bad (not to mention actual ex-girlfriends) and adorable girls with their boyfriends. This does not help much when one is feeling lonely. I end up simultaneously wanting the whole fucking world to go away and leave me alone and craving attention and wanting to be flirted with. And when someone does flirt with me I'm such a nerd that I try to gobble it up so fast that I choke. I say stupid things or nothing at all, or do something even more nerdy. There are days, you see, where despite my usual Leonine personality that I turn into this pathetic, clingy dork. Despite shaking off a lot of what had been bugging me, last night was one of those nights.
So I shall endeavor to shake off the rest of this funk. How I plan to do that I will save for another post because this one is too long already.
So anyway, my adventures at Skank...
I got there fairly early, about 9:30 or so, camera in hand, as usual. I got a drink and staked out the back corner booth. I just wanted to sit and sip my vodka tonic because I wasn't feeling so great, probably because of a combination of having been out in the sun earlier and my back being gimped. It was one of those moments where I just wanted to be alone around people, but people started coming up to me and I'm too damn polite to tell people to fuck off and leave me alone. Eventually Mike arrived and was welcome company. I guess it wasn't that I wanted to be completely alone, more that I was feeling selective about whose company I wanted.
Which brings me to my mood last night. I haven't felt my usual self the last few weeks. This sunshine and heat makes me sleepy and cranky. And when I am tired and cranky I have a habit of questioning my self-worth. This in turn makes me want to just curl up with someone who does give a shit about me and do quiet things like talk, watch a movie, read, or just sleep. But I don't have that now, and that in turn brings on bouts of nostalgia and loneliness which just drives me deeper down the same spiral. So, lonely, pathetic and desperate for human company it's off to the goth club I go.
But this is not exactly the wisest course of action because the goth club is haunted by ghosts of ex-girlfriends both good and bad (not to mention actual ex-girlfriends) and adorable girls with their boyfriends. This does not help much when one is feeling lonely. I end up simultaneously wanting the whole fucking world to go away and leave me alone and craving attention and wanting to be flirted with. And when someone does flirt with me I'm such a nerd that I try to gobble it up so fast that I choke. I say stupid things or nothing at all, or do something even more nerdy. There are days, you see, where despite my usual Leonine personality that I turn into this pathetic, clingy dork. Despite shaking off a lot of what had been bugging me, last night was one of those nights.
So I shall endeavor to shake off the rest of this funk. How I plan to do that I will save for another post because this one is too long already.