And I Ask Myself

[mbarrick]

...What the hell am I doing?

I went to Sin City tonight and I felt weird all night. I had dinner at Ivana's and was hanging out with the kids and then left to go take pictures of the dungeon because I had promised to last month. Yes, on the one hand, a promise is a promise, but on the other hand, well, what a gimped set of priorities. I don't make any money off the website. It started out as somewhere to put the pictures I was taking to gather material for paintings. But the pictures I take at Sin City are largely artless and unsuitable for painting. I can't take photos of the dance-floor and lights which is something I enjoy unto itself. The Sin City photos are really just a favour to Isaac and for the most part I leave them to Jim to do and just post them on the website when I have the time. So fine. Today I was there early to take shots of the venue for promotional purposes. I did that. I even got a couple of interesting ones that I am happy with as photographs. But that being done I could have left at nine o'clock and gone home. But I wanted to see Trish, Lorra, Jess, Chelsea, and my other friends that I really only get to see at the clubs. So fine. I saw them and rapidly discovered I was unable to maintain a conversation because my mind was elsewhere. I should have left at that point, maybe ten o'clock or so. But, no. I stayed right to the bitter end. I spent money on drinks I didn't feel like drinking; smoked cigarettes I didn't feel like smoking; talked to other people I couldn't care less about; found myself so distracted an unenthused I'd wander away in miid sentence from the people I did want to talk to; and then finally dragged my ass home at three o'clock in the morning. I don't know why. I don't know what for.

Even if they aren't my responsibity, even though I don't have any rightful reason to, no matter how I rationalise it, I still feel like a shit for walking out the door leaving a four year old and a two year old and their mother alone while I go to go drinking at a fetish night. Why is that?

And now it is four o'clock and my day is once again fucked.