The last year of my life

[mbarrick]

(statistically speaking)

OK, þe olde 35^th birthday is coming up. Now, I've always maintained that the average human male lifespan "in the wild" as it were is about thirty-five years and now my thrity-fifth year is drawing to a close. Statistically, everything after this is the result of civilisation and medicine. Just another useless factoid from the fountian of useless information? To you, maybe. To me, this means something. Adding even more weight to this milestone is another nagging factoid that I can't shake. In the Jewish tradition 70 years is a traditional "lifetime". Thus, by Jewish standards I will officially be middle aged come the end of the month.

I'm depressed and wholly unsatisfied with the way I am living my life right now. I'd dearly like to get royally hammered with my friends at this point, but that begs the question: what friends? Anyone still remember me? Does anybody really exist on the other side of this increacingly blurry (because the money I need for new glasses keeps disappearing) screen? I think I really, really fucked up here.

One thing I can tell you all for sure. Come the day of my statistical death I am going to go out and drink myself stupid. I have booked my birthday (Wednesday the 31^st), as well as Thursday the first, and Friday the second off. Wednesday night I plan to sit down in front of the television, eat cake, drink a huge glass of gin and tonic and sink in to funk so deeply blue as to verge on ultra-violet. With that out of the way I will spend Thursday day downtown at the art gallery with my small sketchbook trying to remember what the fuck I was thinking when I started down this path before going out to Luv-a-fair. Hopefully some of the semi-mythical people I once knew will be there and not think too badly of me for having fallen into this oubliette. I have no idea how I will get home or even if I will bother. That's what I have Friday off for. If I have to spend all night walking across the city and up the side of this mountain (*sigh* once upon a time I had money for taxis) then I have the time to do it.

Saturday the 27^th I will be missing my once-upon-a-time best friend's wedding because I can't get to Toronto for lack of funds. Last year at this time I was able to do it on a whim. I put money down on a tux at that point, so sure I was that there couldn't possibly be any problem getting out there by the following year. And that was at a point where I was between jobs. How the fuck is it that I now have the best, most rewarding job of my life and I can't even afford fundamentals like a new pair of glasses to replace the scratched and blurry ones on my face right now or a new pair of shoes. I've had to glue my old shoes back together. I'm holding my fucking life together with gum and baling wire. My "sanctuary", this room isn't organised even after six months here. My books, which are a touchstone, are in no sensible order - when I try to find something I end up searching around, often fruitlessly.

Blah, blah, fucking, blah. Who cares? What difference do the details make when nobody can do anything but me? This is my problem.

Fuck it. Fuck it all.

Comments

[uberbabe.livejournal.com]

d00d! Although I have only met you real time once I would like to state for the record that you are far from old, and there are three types of lies: lies, damn lies and statistics. Hell I've been looking forward to 35, my chicklets will finally be old enough to be able to somewhat take care of themselves whilst I go and make up for the 19,20 and 21 I missed being pregnant, giving birth and taking care of them for their first two years until I discovered they can in fact go away overnight. Don't tell me this is death, for some that is when life truly begins.

I am all for you going out and getting blitzed silly and I will make a point of joining even though student loans are as close to running out as I can bear because this marks the beginning of the *I really should know better but don't really care* stage for you and I want to celebrate it with someone who seems so incredibly cool and gave me my own holiday ubermas, which of course kicks ass. And helped this wonderful uber discover the joys of LiveJournal. YOU RAWK D00D!

Side note (main point?) if you are unhappy then you should change it. There is always something better, always something more -- more often then not it's environmental, in my life what brings me down is money which is caused by having two adorable holes in my pockets not *exactly* something I can change environmentally, but even having the appreciation of what it is that is making my life less than desireable can make it desireable again... look around and figure out what can be changed to make your life better

Sorry, this is kinda scattered haven't got the guberbabes to bed yet!

[evilyn13.livejournal.com]

i wouldn't miss your bday for the world! YaY! does this mean we can go to death by chocolate for cake??? it'll be my treat! although wednesday night is a late schoolnight for me, (if i am still registered in that class anyways). but if you want to, we can go thursday before luvafair, and then get some bday drinks at dv8 with velvetjenn and seb :)

[mbarrick.livejournal.com]

I think Thursday is better and DV8 sounds great. But I still owy *you* cake so I guess we'll have to go Dutch :p

[sleeplessknight.livejournal.com]

Agh! Dammit, if I have to work Thursdays so I could go and bump into you at the art gallery! But at the very least, I will come to luv-a-fair to accompany your drunkedness. ^_^

aw damme dear...

[bitogoth.livejournal.com]

if i could be there i would get you gloriously drunk! sending greetings cross-country(ies) isn't nearly as good as being there. i'm so sorry about missing the wedding... oi.

oh yeah... *smack*

that was directed to the back of your head. i think you might need it. email me. :} {{{hugs}}}

[saturnina.livejournal.com]

I'll buy you an mocha martini at DV8 - it's got a whole shot of espresso in it so I *know* you'll like it.

I will try to make it out!

[goth-posh.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things seem totally messed up right now for you, but believe me, your friends are not gonna forget you! I shall begin looking for a sitter for that Thursday, its August 1st right? If I get a sitter, you better get drunk offa yer ass bud...hehe

Re: I will try to make it out!

[mbarrick.livejournal.com]

Yup, August 1st.

[mbarrick.livejournal.com]

Chocolat, coffee, alcohol... really, how could I *not* like it?

Hell, we practically live there!

[kitsune-13.livejournal.com]

Both Langsuir & I will be there with bells on-we wouldn't miss your birthday for the world...and question, which is your favorite type of gin?

To quote Howard Jones: "Things can only get better"

And if not, then instead of The whiskey River BBQ burger, we'll just get whiskey instead at the next lunch.