News of the Stupid

Yes, despite his sweeping purge I'm still a member of Reptard's "Inner Circle" mailing list, probing the very depths of gullibility and stupidity. Ladies and gentlemen, you will be utterly astounded to learn that not only is the moon hollow as previously reported, but

• the Earth is also hollow and all the polar explorers were either lost or lying about the gaping polar holes.
• In keeping with the hollow planet theory, apparently plate tectonics is a massive conspiracy (never mind how well the coastline of South America fits with Africa)
• in fact all planets are hollow (not too sure how that works for gas giants) and the mathematics of gravitational attraction are in error.
• The moons of Mars are orbiting Earth as a sign of the apocalypse
• Rh negative blood is a sign of genetic kinship with the ancient (reptilian) royal bloodlines (interesting considering my father was AB- and my sister is O- [which further implies that my mother, while Rh positive must have a recessive Rh negative gene, as would I])
• UPC codes also happen to be a sign of the apocalypse and have "6-6-6" embedded in them, and, apparently, grocery-store clerks are "the beast".
• But, really, nothing can say it more clearly than this (note the capitals for dramatic emphasis) ACTUAL QUOTE from a message from one of Reptard's trusted researchers:

  THE amn goverment, it's like...ok...hey prull all tis rap liek afrea
  51...i knowit ecists...thers PICTURES OFMIT OFR CRYING OT LOUD! you
  can't lien t o me mother fujvkers. nbut now ther moved it..id on't
  ememver where..but theey diD! caue lke allihm...uhm..all...
  shit..all activity...yeah...allactivity has liek seased hte re.
  ykanow aht i';m sayin?
  buit yeah..FUCK ATHORKIT Y!
  HACK THJEPALENT!!!

"HACK THJEPALENT"?!? Uh. Syntax error...

The Canon

User	Saint	Special Power
bitogoth	St. Elisabeth of the East, Patron Saint of Free-Pour Bartenders	Gets drunk and speaks in tounges (or at least English with an accent).
goth_posh	St. Posh, Patron Saint of Pointy Shoes	Who needs special powers when you have good shoes?
valerian	St. Valerian, Patrol Saint of Travelers and the Poor	Can rise from her own ashes like a phoenix.
kitsune_13	St. Kitsune, Patron Saint of Cigarettes, Bacon, and Nightclubs.	Can cure hangovers with magic bacon.
opium	St. Opium, Patrol Saint of the Birds, the Internet, and Snogs.	Owls hump her head.
uberbabe	St Über, Patron Saint of Kicking Ass	She can kick ass. She has her own holiday, Übermas, which, of course, kicks-ass.
mediavictim	St. Media, Patron Saint of Mass Media	357 Channels and not a damn thing on
leafmcgowan	St. Leaf, Patron Saint of Faeries and Trees	While the faeries distract you he'll clock you with a tree.
verkan_vall	St. Verkan of the Swamp, Patron Saint of Cheese and Tourism	Can turn the firstborn son of his enemies into minkeys.
reive_d	St. Reive, Patron Saint of Whips and Chains	Sticks and stones may break his bones but whips and chains excite him.
sleeplessknight	St. Michael, Patrol Saint of Gaming and Insomniacs	Can go a *really long time* without sleeping.
cheaza	St. Cheaza, Patron Saint of the Queer, Fish, and Carpet Cleaning	Tastes like chicken, smells like fish.
sylkweb	St. Sylk, Patron Saint of the Psychic	Can share people's brains