Sleepy me

So of course, rather than going straight to bed I choose to write in my LJ. Nah, I'm not addicted to this or anything.

So the extra-late Skank was fun. It was totally packed. I got lots of pictures as did other people. What I want to know now is why people feel compelled to come up and tell me about their websites? I smile and nod, but really... should I be impressed? It's like someone running up to you and telling you that they just learned how to use the telephone.

So I asked Trish if she was mad at me tonight because she has been a bit weird the last couple weeks. I thought maybe I had done something, or maybe not done something, that offended her. She said that she has just been introverted this last little while and it's not me. I hope not.

And in other stupid club manoeuvers - I caught myself acting like a stupid puppy-dog toward nice-Nicole more than once tonight. Ugh. She has a boyfriend and I don't need to do this to myself. For fuck's sake I'm almost 34, not 14. Nonetheless I keep doing this to myself. I am an idiot. It's a crush, it will pass.

Total tangent: I just now got an e-mail from a guy in Turkey asking me how I implemented PHP under my Domino server. That's just weird. The internet is weird.

Anyway, more about my adventures at Skank when I wake up sometime after noon.

Blue Funk

Here it is noon on a holiday Monday and I just managed to get myself up and the coffee made. It's iced coffee because the weather is horrible (note that my idea of horrible is sunny and over 20°C). This is the kind of day that is only pleasant when you have nothing to do and can spend the day in cool water or underneath ten-storey tall trees. In lieu of that I am holed-up in my apartment with most of the curtains closed and fan on high, hating the world.

So anyway, my adventures at Skank...

I got there fairly early, about 9:30 or so, camera in hand, as usual. I got a drink and staked out the back corner booth. I just wanted to sit and sip my vodka tonic because I wasn't feeling so great, probably because of a combination of having been out in the sun earlier and my back being gimped. It was one of those moments where I just wanted to be alone around people, but people started coming up to me and I'm too damn polite to tell people to fuck off and leave me alone. Eventually Mike arrived and was welcome company. I guess it wasn't that I wanted to be completely alone, more that I was feeling selective about whose company I wanted.

Which brings me to my mood last night. I haven't felt my usual self the last few weeks. This sunshine and heat makes me sleepy and cranky. And when I am tired and cranky I have a habit of questioning my self-worth. This in turn makes me want to just curl up with someone who does give a shit about me and do quiet things like talk, watch a movie, read, or just sleep. But I don't have that now, and that in turn brings on bouts of nostalgia and loneliness which just drives me deeper down the same spiral. So, lonely, pathetic and desperate for human company it's off to the goth club I go.

But this is not exactly the wisest course of action because the goth club is haunted by ghosts of ex-girlfriends both good and bad (not to mention actual ex-girlfriends) and adorable girls with their boyfriends. This does not help much when one is feeling lonely. I end up simultaneously wanting the whole fucking world to go away and leave me alone and craving attention and wanting to be flirted with. And when someone does flirt with me I'm such a nerd that I try to gobble it up so fast that I choke. I say stupid things or nothing at all, or do something even more nerdy. There are days, you see, where despite my usual Leonine personality that I turn into this pathetic, clingy dork. Despite shaking off a lot of what had been bugging me, last night was one of those nights.

So I shall endeavor to shake off the rest of this funk. How I plan to do that I will save for another post because this one is too long already.

Stupid World

I just filled out my income statement for the student loan Nazis and printed off a bunch of cheques for the evil bastards. The dates are all highlighted and also written on the backs of the cheques where they are also highlighted.

I really despise these people. It's absurd. We live in a world where the right to pursue a higher education has turned into the obligation and requirement to acquire a meaningless degree at great expense. This article from Kim's journal sums it up nicely. If universities still actually maintained academic standards and refused to even admit idiots who pass shite like this off as work then a degree might still mean something. There used to be a time when having a bachelor's degree meant something, now it doesn't even necessarily imply literacy. This is a culture where the stupid are coddled and lauded and the intelligent are isolated and derided. Merit is irrelevant as long as you are an egomaniac "have high self-esteem". Because of this I am paying off a degree that is of absolutely no value to me.

Happy Things

The fleur Nic gave me	Nicole sketched in

So some happy things. Last Sunday the very pretty Nicfit (who of course has a boyfriend ) gave me this metal flower that she made. She had a bunch of them and gave them to a bunch of people, but nonetheless a pretty girl gave me a flower . I made a little base for it so I can put it in my cubicle.

And today I started the painting of Nicole. I just got the wood primed and started sketching it in, but a start is a start.