Michael R. Barrick

...you know more about a problem than the person who is supposed to fix it?

In keeping with the immutable Murphy's Law my attempt to go to bed early and get a good rest was shot to hell by the security system in my studio malfunctioning. I went to bed at 10 pm thinking that a nice long sleep would be enough to shake whatever is left of this cold (or whatever it is). Just as I am dozing off, about 10:30 pm, the control panel started beeping. It's not terribly loud, but it's a studio apartment so there is no way to get away from it. I fooled around with the panel for a bit and got it to shut up, so I thought. Precisely an hour later it started beeping again. Now I am somewhat annoyed, so I take a good look at the panel and go to the manufactuer's website for a manual (note that I had asked for a manual nearly a year ago when I moved in and never got it). Naturally, because the system is six years old the manual for the exact keypad I have wasn't on the website, but I found something similar enough to have a clue. Looking at the troubleshooting section I soon determine that the beeping is happening because the power-fail backup battery is dead or dying and there is a sequence of keys I can press to turn off the warning.

Unfortunately the manual didn't clearly mention that turning off the warning beep does not turn off the periodic trouble checking and so at 12:45 am the damn things starts beeping again. I take another look at the manual and in my sick and sleepy state can't find what I need so, being the technically inclined sort and too tired to fuck around, I pulled the panel off the wall and took it apart, looking for an obvious way to kill the speaker. Sadly the speaker is soldered directly to the circut board and there are no wires I can cut to kill it. Without having read the manual I am not brave enough to disconnect the panel entirely for fear of making much louder noises. Time for an even lower-tech approach.

I put the panel back on the wall and screwed a hook in to the wall above the panel. I took my heaviest winter coat and hung it on the hook. I went back to bed, put in earplugs and put the pillow over my head and went to sleep. In computerese that would be called a "workaround".

This morning the thing is still beeping away. I turned off the beeping temporarily using the method I learned last night while I went about my morning routine. I also found the main control box and the battery that was being reported as faulty. The positive connection is seriously corroded because the box is located above the bathroom and the moisture is obviously taking it's toll.

So I phoned the landlord today to tell them about the problem, expecting to get a contact number for the security provider to get a new battery installed. The landlord referred me to the superintendant for the repair and paged him for me. While I was waiting for the super's phone call went back the manual from the manufacturer's website at work and printed it off to find a workaround for the interim. Sure enough a wide-awake examination of the manual quickly revealed the keying sequence for muting the keypad. When the super did call and left a message on my voice-mail his only advice was inaccurate instructions on muting the keypad and nothing about actually replacing the battery and fixing the problem.

Why did I bother calling?

Walking past a row of newspaper boxes a moment ago I noticed a headline; 'Half of Canadians Fear Tapwater". My first thought was, statistically, half of Canadians are of below average intelligence.