A Really Sucky Night

[mbarrick]

I cannot begin to express how utterly nauseating (in a Sartrean sense) and miserable tonight was. She gave back the ring and I lost my composure. Grown man crying time. Never a pretty sight. I fucked this up. Why? Because I am a mess. I am Rip Van Winkle before his nap. I'm Woody Allen. I am completely oblivious as to what I really want out of life and I drag people along from the ride as I make one fuck up after another. I am, in fact, so pathetic that I suck up for sympathy in my blog.

I really need to get my head screwed on straight.

Comments

[bitogoth.livejournal.com]

michael, i don't presume to know you completely, but if figure i know you moderately well, and i do know how you feel about this situation and what you've been going through... you gave an awful lot... it's a shame that things didn't work out, but you've been miserable and you know the situation just isn't right. anyone who says they have all the answers is lying- either to you or to themselves... {{{hugs}}}

[seymour-glass.livejournal.com]

well said...you know it is human nature to blame ourselves when things don't go right in our lives...but we seem to forget we only control ourselves in this world, and there are a lot of people and things not in our realm of control...you bent, but do you honestly feel that you haven't done all you can until you break??? i think you do know deep down what you want out of life, perhaps you just need to learn to trust what's inside of you...that's tough for anyone for we have the power to rationalize and fantasize, and have often lost the valuable ability of listening to the one person who can say the most to us, ourselves...perhaps what you really need is some time to rediscover yourself...i'm not a determinist or a fatalist, but i do believe that life offers us what we need when we need it, though it is entirely our choice whether we choose the path awaiting us...you're never alone as long as you are comfortable in your own skin and enjoy your own company...no matter how strong and independent we are, from time to time, we all need a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, a hand to regain our balance...true strength lies in knowing when to summon the aid of your alliances to defeat your demons...and asking for understanding, or a confirmation of your feelings, in no way correlates with seeking sympathy...that's why we have friendships in the first place...

[urban-creature.livejournal.com]

I agree with Lars so I won't repeat it. And I don't know the extent of your relationship with this woman, but as far as I can tell you're a sweet man and I'm sure you gave your best to the relationship. You seem to have a group of closely knit friendships and I know they will help you heal.

[mbarrick.livejournal.com]

It's not that I feel I didn't do everything I could. I'm just not at all happy with how little that turned out to be. I'm not the man I thought I was and discovered more damage than I thought I had.

Yeah, she's not blameless, but it does me no good to reflect on what went wrong on the other side beyond learning to see it coming sooner. But my shortcomings are something I can address directly.

[seymour-glass.livejournal.com]

nice i started twice and had them erased...i feel that when you look at things now you may feel you had less to give than you believed you were capable of...but upon reflection down the road you may find it was more than you realize at this moment...we tend to downplay our abilities when we fail to achieve that which we set out for...you may have never realized your shortcomings had you never tested them...now you have identified them, which puts you miles ahead of most people...now they can be addressed and reduced...and i think we all underestimate what we may find on the path to ourselves until we actually commit to taking that journey...good for you for not dwelling on the culpability of others...for you are right the only lesson is to identify it and avoid in the future if possible...and no matter what it's always a shitty place to be...and though it might not seem like a great deal of comfort in the moment you do have a lot of good friends to support you...make good use of them...you've already taken the toughest step...