A Really Sucky Night

[mbarrick]

I cannot begin to express how utterly nauseating (in a Sartrean sense) and miserable tonight was. She gave back the ring and I lost my composure. Grown man crying time. Never a pretty sight. I fucked this up. Why? Because I am a mess. I am Rip Van Winkle before his nap. I'm Woody Allen. I am completely oblivious as to what I really want out of life and I drag people along from the ride as I make one fuck up after another. I am, in fact, so pathetic that I suck up for sympathy in my blog.

I really need to get my head screwed on straight.

Comments

[opium.livejournal.com]

This makes no sense to me...everyone was happy and I was miserable. Now I'm becoming happy and everyone else's life is becoming miserable. You and Ivana are having problems (I don't know the full extent...), Mike and his girlfriend broke up, Shelley and Jason broke up, my friend disfigurine's brother killed himself. What the hell is going on?

[opium.livejournal.com]

By the way, don't put all the blame on yourself. It's rarely one person's fault. *hugs*

[sleeplessknight.livejournal.com]

I know I don't have the experience you have when it comes to these kinds of things. And I'm not really very good at consoling my friends when it comes to these kinds of problems. And I also know I'm having problems myself. But I do want to try my best to help my friends.

You've got my cell number. If you can't find anyone to talk to, I'm around and I'm always willing to listen/hang out, any time, any place. I'm working in North Van until 6 tomorrow although officially I end work in Gastown at 6:30 after dropping off the deposit. I'm avalible for lunch on Thursday/Friday as well since I don't have to go to work on those days until 1:00 pm.

[nokturna.livejournal.com]

I'm here for you if you need to talk....

[cheaza.livejournal.com]

ah hunny.

well you can rant and rave and bitch and cry and yell and talk about anything you want with me on thursday. You have unlimited, totally-about-you, guilt-free-ranting cheaztime that night.

Change of plans!!

[mbarrick.livejournal.com]

Do you know where The Whip Café is (6th and Main)? Meet me there at 5:00 instead of downtown at 4:30. I've got an appointment to look at a loft at 4th and Main at 4:30.

[bitogoth.livejournal.com]

michael, i don't presume to know you completely, but if figure i know you moderately well, and i do know how you feel about this situation and what you've been going through... you gave an awful lot... it's a shame that things didn't work out, but you've been miserable and you know the situation just isn't right. anyone who says they have all the answers is lying- either to you or to themselves... {{{hugs}}}

[seymour-glass.livejournal.com]

well said...you know it is human nature to blame ourselves when things don't go right in our lives...but we seem to forget we only control ourselves in this world, and there are a lot of people and things not in our realm of control...you bent, but do you honestly feel that you haven't done all you can until you break??? i think you do know deep down what you want out of life, perhaps you just need to learn to trust what's inside of you...that's tough for anyone for we have the power to rationalize and fantasize, and have often lost the valuable ability of listening to the one person who can say the most to us, ourselves...perhaps what you really need is some time to rediscover yourself...i'm not a determinist or a fatalist, but i do believe that life offers us what we need when we need it, though it is entirely our choice whether we choose the path awaiting us...you're never alone as long as you are comfortable in your own skin and enjoy your own company...no matter how strong and independent we are, from time to time, we all need a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, a hand to regain our balance...true strength lies in knowing when to summon the aid of your alliances to defeat your demons...and asking for understanding, or a confirmation of your feelings, in no way correlates with seeking sympathy...that's why we have friendships in the first place...

[urban-creature.livejournal.com]

I agree with Lars so I won't repeat it. And I don't know the extent of your relationship with this woman, but as far as I can tell you're a sweet man and I'm sure you gave your best to the relationship. You seem to have a group of closely knit friendships and I know they will help you heal.

[mbarrick.livejournal.com]

It's not that I feel I didn't do everything I could. I'm just not at all happy with how little that turned out to be. I'm not the man I thought I was and discovered more damage than I thought I had.

Yeah, she's not blameless, but it does me no good to reflect on what went wrong on the other side beyond learning to see it coming sooner. But my shortcomings are something I can address directly.

[seymour-glass.livejournal.com]

nice i started twice and had them erased...i feel that when you look at things now you may feel you had less to give than you believed you were capable of...but upon reflection down the road you may find it was more than you realize at this moment...we tend to downplay our abilities when we fail to achieve that which we set out for...you may have never realized your shortcomings had you never tested them...now you have identified them, which puts you miles ahead of most people...now they can be addressed and reduced...and i think we all underestimate what we may find on the path to ourselves until we actually commit to taking that journey...good for you for not dwelling on the culpability of others...for you are right the only lesson is to identify it and avoid in the future if possible...and no matter what it's always a shitty place to be...and though it might not seem like a great deal of comfort in the moment you do have a lot of good friends to support you...make good use of them...you've already taken the toughest step...

[uberbabe.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry things are so sucky right now.

What you need...

[logik.livejournal.com]

Is a really hot bath, lit only by candles, a decent bottle of wine and a big ass box of chocolates. Also it would probably help to listen to Christian Death od Fields of the Nephilim really loudly. I know everyone wants to help, but it totally sounds like you need some thinking space and time to relax and think.
For some of us guys it is pretty hard to relax and accept sympathy during a period of crisis. It somehow makes it feel worse. It's the old "suffer not your tribe to tend your wounds" mentality that comes along with a set of family jewels. My suggestion is simply to find some private time, alone and with all the luxuries that you can afford. It will give you time to think and breath. When you are ready to be social again, let me take you out for a drink or two so you can vent...

I am not going to even try to tell you to buck up. It is probably too painful right now. Instead, I just hope that you do try to treat yourself to some R&R over the next few days. Take a day or two from work to relax and do your own thing. If ya need to beat yourself up a bit to feel better, go ahead. Just make sure that you leave enough of yourself left to pour beer into.

Seriously though, do try the bath / wine / chocolate thing. I think it can cure damn near anything.

Re: What you need...

[mbarrick.livejournal.com]

All good suggestions, but not doable at this point. I'm still sharing the house with her, her kids, and her father. It's a damn good thing I like my job and have a nice office. I'm going to be here a lot for the next while.

[evilyn13.livejournal.com]

i know that right now things really suck, but i can honestly say that this will work out for the best in the long run.
i don't know ivana's story, but i have heard yours, and i know you well enough to know that you did so much for her, and her kids, and it hurts all of us to see her be so unappreciative of your giving and caring nature. one day, when she gets tired of being alone, i am sure that she will look back on the time you spent with her, and think to herself, "wow i must be a fucking idiot." there are not a lot of guys out there that would take care of another man's kids, and support them and the family structure the way that you did. i think you should be a little proud of yourself for being the good guy, and stop being so hard on yourself.

aaaawwwwww

[strawberrygrl23.livejournal.com]

Big Hugs...strength and Karma comin'your way...express delivery...If you ever need a couch in the west end- Saturn or Strawberrygrrl @684-1303 or 928-1303 or 910-1826